4:30 p.m. - 2002-09-30

our weekend in Middlebury; I've calmed down a bit

Argh. Don't you hate it when you write a whole huge long entry and then AOL freezes and you get booted off? Damnit, damnit, fuckaduck.

I'll try to recap.

I was saying that I've calmed down a lot from my hysterical entry last night. I don't know who signed my guestbook. I don't think it was Kris anymore. I don't think it was Alok or Zach, who could have found this newer diary from jessica5787, which I gave them both links to. I don't think it was my brother David, because I doubt he would have taken the time to write all that, and it probably would have been interspersed with "fucking"'s. It obviously wasn't anyone from CTY last year, because they would have known who Matt is. I'm quite confused, frankly. The only two people I can think of in real life who might have written that are Alexis, my big brother, or Chris, to whom I inadvertently gave my diary address. But I really don't know. It's also quite possible that I don't know who it is at all. I just wish I knew if I knew them or not, ya know?

Sometimes, I'm upstairs and I'll feel the need to check the computer for no reason whatsoever, I just want to. During the week in between CTY and Nantucket, when I was suffering serious post-CTY depression and loneliness, I decided to leave AIM open all night with the away message "I love you more." Just before I went to bed, I felt the urge not to Herbal (ok that was bad), but to go see if I had any IMs. I did. Matt, who was now offline, had IMed me saying in the biggest font possible, "I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH." I went to bed happy.

Last night, before I went to bed, I felt the need to go check my mail. I told Mom that I thought I'd left a light on downstairs so I wouldn't get in trouble for being up past my bedtime, and went to check. I was greeted with notices from signmyguestbook.

Thank you to Sally, Amanda, Emily, and Ivy for greeting me with messages last night. I read them all before I went to bed. I stopped crying. I stopped shaking. I didn't feel quite as much like the worst persun on earth. As Sally said, "this too shall pass." It WILL pass. Thank yous are also needed for Nicole, Lady K, Brenda, and Amy who signed today.

One thing that Alex wrote in her diary today really made sense to me, and I'm going to quote her: "I'm not happy with myself right now and therefore, would not be able to make anyone else happy. I decided that I don't want a relationship until I can figure out myself." That is so, so TRUE, and I wouldn't have come up with that unless she'd said so. Thank you, Alex. :) Maybe when I have slightly better self-confidence and can think of a single reason for his liking me. Maybe when I have a less pessimistic outlook on life. Not now.

I'm going to try not to stress out about this, because it's not worth it. As the mystery signer said, "the sun still rises every morning." You meant it about something else -- the fact that people at school will always talk -- but it's true all the same. Whether I go out with Kris, whether I don't, the sun is still going to rise. (Though, actually, that's an inductive argument; you can't use the argument "The sun has always risen every morning in the past" to prove that "The sun will always rise every morning," because then one of your premises is that "The future will be like the past" and that isn't known or proven. But I'm boring you all, so I'll stop.)

Anyway, I don't think anyone wants to hear any more about this topic, so I'll tell you about Middlebury.

So Friday, psych outline due, psych quiz on the neuroscience units (I got an 89, damnit, but hopefully the 99, 100, and 100 will even it out a bit), French tape due (I accidentally recorded over Mrs. H.'s comments). I left right after my free with Jackie to go to Middlebury, because my physics teacher wasn't there, and we had a sub and a double period. So whatever.

The drive up was fairly miserable. I had definitely worried myself sick. I was upset, and my stomach was upset, and my head was pounding, and I felt nauseous. I tried to do some work, but I couldn't. I listened to music and tried to sleep. Five hours passed much like this. The good thing was that I got the whole back of the car to myself, so I could stretch out a little over my textbooks. I couldn't even express enthusiasm over seeing Lauren again, and she could definitely tell something was wrong, even though I'd kinda told her about it on the phone on... hmm... Wednesday night, I think.

It was pouring rain on the way up, and it kept pouring all night long.

We went out for dinner at the same place where we went twice the last time. I had just Caesar salad and no dessert, because I'd lost my appetite. In fact, on the way up, we stopped at Starbucks, and I didn't want a frappucino, and Mom and Dad decided I was desperately ill. It was kind of weird though, because the way I felt extends to now too... I don't want desserts. I've been addicted to chocolate for as long as I can remember. I've always been super-skinny, especially when I was younger and barely ate because of the OCD, you could count every rib. I've been out of shape for the past four years or so, and especially during ninth grade I had a bit of a "roll of fat," as my mother so tactfully put it, but I've never been anything but skinny. Anyway, I HAVE always wanted desserts, sometimes to the point that I'd steal stuff from the cabinets or fridge (that may not sound like a big deal, but in our house it leads to the Grand Inquisition). But I suddenly don't want them anymore. I just DON'T. Out of the blue. They still taste delicious, but I almost have to force myself to eat them, because they practically nauseate me. Bizarre.

ANYWAY... after dinner, I convinced my parents that I really wasn't going to die on the spot and went to Lauren's dorm. We hung out there for a while and I met some of her friends. I sent Jackie a semi-hysterical email which she hasn't responded to but I know she read, but you know what, that's okay, I no longer need a response. We went to the grill and talked for a while about social dynamics at the high school, being gay (she asked me if I was; I responded that I wasn't, which is true, and then we started talking about how each member of the family would respond if I was), the different lives of everyone she knew at school, what I should do in college, alternative types of schooling, etc. It was a really good conversation and I felt much better afterward. Lauren often has that effect on me. She is definitely the best older sister I could ask for, and I wish that I could be a better role model for Kelsey and Alexa. The only thing they would want to emulate is, possibly, my grades -- and that isn't such a good idea, because it's probably pretty damn-near-impossible to get 100 in honors chemistry, and they'll feel inferior and stupid, which was how I felt at the beginning of the year trying to live up to Lauren's 98. You can't beat 100.

After the grill, we went back to the dorm and she decided that we'd check out both of the parties going on that night, a party with the frisbee team where the theme was "shiny and tiny" and an 80's dance. We decided to get dressed up for the 80's dance, but neither of us had any clothes. She borrowed a pair of neon green athletic shorts, a Coca-Cola shirt, a black headband, hoop earrings, and rainbow toe socks, and then wore sneakers and black tights and dark eye makeup. I borrowed a SHORT denim skirt and then wore a black tank top which I had with me, borrowed a pair of Lauren's black tights and someone else's toe socks, and wore sneakers. Didn't look very '80's, but it was fun anyway.

We went to the frisbee party first. Lauren had one cup of beer. I tried a sip, but I can't stand bubbles, so didn't have any more. The music was a lot better there than at the 80's party, and some of them were even CTY songs (the only one that comes to mind right now was "Baby Got Back," but I know there were others).

Then we ran to the '80's party (yes, literally ran, because it was still pouring rain). Lauren introduced me to a Canadian friend of hers who speaks French, and after about five tries, I finally understood what language he was speaking. Then, I embarrassed myself further by responding "fifth" when he asked what grade I was in, because I thought he asked what level of French!!!

Whoops.

Lauren was very amused when I told her what happened later on.

Anyway, went downstairs, watched the lights, danced a little, but it wasn't as much fun because we didn't recognize any of the music. Went back to the dorm after midnight. Went online and talked to Missy. Thank you also for trying to calm me down. ("He'll be okay. You'll be okay. It'll all be okay.")

Got undressed and showered. Felt ugly. Decided to watch a movie. Picked "Pretty Woman," one of Lily's, because I haven't seen it in years. I started to watch it while Lauren went outside in the hall and hung out with some friends of hers who were EXTREMELY smashed. She kept trying to bring me out there to hang out, but I didn't because like I said, I felt incredibly ugly and out-of-place, so I just stayed and started the movie. It turned out to be a good thing, because she said that one of the guys started randomly pulling down his boxers and flashing them. ("Omg, I saw his penis!") I am SO sorry I missed it. ;)

After a while, Lauren came in with her friend Nora, who had never seen "Pretty Woman," and we started from the beginning. I decided to close my eyes for the parts that I'd just watched. This was clearly a Bad Idea, because when we got to the parts that I hadn't seen, I couldn't open them again.

We went to bed at two, and got up at ten. Mom picked us up around eleven with Allison, who'd driven up from Dartmouth. Yes, she's back there. This is the mentally unstable cousin. She doesn't have many friends -- I mean, she missed her whole fucking sophomore year -- so she definitely jumped at the chance of something to do that day, no one really had a choice in the matter. Anyway, we went out for lunch, and then Mom and Dad went to the orchard to buy zillions of apples while the five of us girls went and watched Lauren's friend Whitney in a soccer game. It was freezing cold. The night before, I'd gone so many times from hot to cold (think dance floor to cold rain), and I think my immune system was a bit messed up!! Went back to the inn. I took a two-hour nap while Dad left to fly to Washington D.C. and Allison left to drive back to Dartmouth and Kelsey and Alexa watched stupid cartoons. Ohhh, the joys of utter oblivion.

Sometime after four, we went back to Lauren's dorm to drop some more things off, and picked up her friend Nora, and went into town. At one store, Mom bought me a really pretty long sleeveless dress which I can wear to one of the Sweet Sixteen's this winter (Shriya's in October or Frances' in December) with a sweater. It's kinda summery, but what can you do. We found adorable pajamas for Kelsey and Alexa too. Then we had dinner at the same place again. I struggled to keep my eyes open. Nora's really nice. Went to Ben & Jerry's for dessert, I believe it was the first dessert I'd had all weekend, most atypical of me. Said our goodbyes to Lauren, and went back to the inn. Talked to Kelsey for a while. She said that she and Alexa had been worrying about me, I really had been looking pale and sick. They knew about the whole Kris thing, but I explained that I was just upset and depressed about it. I told Kelsey a bit more about the love-sextuple or whatever that went on at CTY two years ago. I stayed up til 10:30 and did my global reading and read module 5 of psychology, about the nature side of the nature v. nurture issue. (Did you know that technically, the abbreviation of "versus" is "v." not "vs."? Mr. K. told us that. Just something to know.)

Got up early on Sunday morning to drive back to New York. Made two stops at different sets of outlets. Got some shirts on sale and an ice cream bar. Yummy. More than two hours gone. Not yummy. In the car I did mostly nothing again, just some of the analogies for Lisa. Got home and caught up on the diaries from the weekend. Did physics and Spanish homework. Damn Spanish. Damn physics. Alexis brought Chinese food over for dinner, which was yummy.

Realized that when we go to Utah over Columbus Day weekend I'm going to miss the PSAT on October 15th. Mom suggested just calling the day of and saying I'm desperately ill and need to make it up on the 19th or something. I say that's unfair. Shriya went in and talked to guidance for me today (awww) without using my name, and they said that the persun should tell them because they need to make special arrangements, and most of the schools are filling up quickly. I've already registered, so I think I need to go talk to Mrs. B. tomorrow. I went in and told Mr. K. the problem, and he was very funny trying to come up with excuses for my spending a weekend in Utah. That class is so great. He makes me laugh.

Then found the mystery gbook signer and flipped out and posted the entry of last night, as you all know.

So yes, the trip to Middlebury went okay. There was no accidental wandering into X-rated shops like Parent's Weekend at Bates the year before.

Today. Mom spent the morning making applesauce. Don't understand vectors at all. Can't use a protractor. Felt even stupider. Asked Maggie to explain them to me in math. Think I understand a little bit more, but still feel stupid and frustrated. Grrr. Finished analogies packet at school and drafted French composition. Oh, that reminds me, I need to edit it and fax a copy to Dad in Washington D.C.... the topic was "biography" but that can mean anything, Jaci wrote about biographies in general, while Gary wrote about Eleanor Roosevelt... Mrs. H. said she'd accept anything... I wrote about Mom. It's pretty boring and my verb structures and vocabulary are very repetitive. I don't feel like totally rewriting it though. Have a French test tomorrow on pronouns and conjunctions that I should really study for, so I'm going to get offline and go immerse myself in that language.

Again, thank you all for listening to me rant and for caring. I appreciate it more than words can say.

Mordor