9:23 p.m. - 2002-09-29
oh, gah.
Who just signed my guestbook? Why didn't you leave your email address or a web address?
Are you Kris? If you are, please, please tell me. Because I actually don't think I mind you reading this. As long as I KNOW you are. I can't think of any way to bring it up in conversation.
I'm really seriously contemplating re-locking this, and permanently this time. It was a little awkward when I linked Chris and then it turned out that I know him in real life -- he used to be one of our teachers -- but that worked out fine. He didn't tell Mom or anything and I didn't have to censor my writing.
I haven't given this link out to anyone in real life but Missy. I gave my old diary out to a couple more people: Alok, Zach, Miriam, and Kathy are the names that come to mind. This one, I decided not to. I didn't WANT to have to censor myself. Kathy gave me the link to her online diary, so I thought I should reciprocate, but I didn't. I didn't want to have to sugarcoat the whole Rob thing, because I don't think she ever knew how badly I was hurt two summers ago when he went out with her instead of me.
There ARE people who I feel close enough to give this link to. Most of the people from CTY and Pathways over the past four years, for instance. But then I'd have to worry about what I'd write. I don't want to do that.
So... to respond to the message. Go read my guestbook if you don't know what I'm talking about.
First off, I've been thinking about the whole Kris situation over the weekend, and I've been realizing some things.
I DO like Kris. Maybe I'm a wimp and don't want a boyfriend, but I do like him. I think I need to tell him that, because Jackie said he was really sad that I didn't.
Kris IS a good guy. I have a lot of fun hanging out with him during my frees and classes at school and talking to him online. This is NOT about him. It's about me, damnit. I'm the one who's too scared to do anything. Not even so much scared about what people would think, which was mentioned in the mystery guestbook signing -- I don't remember bringing that up -- but scared of me. I wouldn't know what to do.
Maybe if I'd gone out with someone before it would be different. Maybe if I'd gone out with Raymond two years ago, or flirted a lot with Ron last summer, or kissed poor shaking Ian at the final dance at Pathways. Maybe I'll go out with someone next summer at CTY. Maybe I won't go out with anyone until college.
It's not him, it's the whole awkward high-school-dating thing. If we broke up, I'd have to see him every fucking day for the rest of the year. People would talk. You all know how much I hate the idea of people talking about me when I'm not there. Fuck, I even hate the idea of people THINKING about me. My OCD wants me to control people's thoughts. I can't stand it.
I spent the whole ride up to Middlebury in the back of the car crying. I can't put into words how terrible I felt. I was worrying so much that I made myself physically sick, I gave myself a stomachache and a horrible headache, which also kind of negatively affected my Friday evening, when I went out to parties with Lauren. More on that later. Not in this entry. This entry is for whoever signed my book.
Why me? Completely honestly, I don't understand why Kris likes me. So yes, I do have low self-esteem, but I really don't GET it. If you're still reading, mystery signer, please sign again and explain that to me.
As for Matt: I don't want to date Matt. I don't like Matt. Well, I don't WANT to like Matt. Matt is only a temporary infatuation. I don't want Matt as a boyfriend. I didn't kiss Matt; Matt kissed me.I do realize that Matt is a player and can be a jerk, but he's a charming jerk, as jerks go (and I know I sound stupid but bear with me here), and I did have a lot of fun with him at CTY. And I had fun talking to him online after CTY. I have really, really low self-confidence. Part of that stems from a feeling of rejection at CTY two years ago, when Rob went out with Kathy instead of me -- yes, I'm still hung up over that, okay? I got over it, but I know what rejection fucking feels like. Another part of the self-confidence issue is from ninth grade, when my mother made my life miserable, taunting me about the way I looked, the way I did my hair, what I ate, how little I exercised, and the "roll of fat" I was developing in front of perfect strangers. That made me pretty upset. At CTY last summer my self-esteem went up a notch, because the girls in my hall kept trying to convince me that I deserved to feel good about myself, but it's still not where it should be, and right now it's not where it was when I was at CTY.
I really value my friendship with Kris. He's done a lot for me in the past two years, and I appreciate that, and this is his last year, and it's my last year at the school, and I want it to be a good one for both of us. Three out of my five periods at school every single day are with him. That's a pretty big percentage.
Lauren says I can't feel guilty about this, I have to do what feels right, and if we lose our friendship over this, then that really sucks but there isn't anything I can do. She's probably right, but I can't accept it. I don't want to lose our friendship over this. Yes, to the mystery gbook signer, it could be the best kind of friendship, but it also could be the worst kind of friendship. What if it just didn't click on my end and he was unaware of it and I was miserable and had to break up with him? (That's basically what happened to Lauren and Shinsake back in sophomore year.)
As for your point that he would be like any guy friend, except better: true. I do already tell Kris a lot online. Or I did. I haven't talked to him since Thursday night when he told me that he liked me. Yes, I could probably tell him anything, and he could probably tell me anything. That would probably be really good for me. Probably for him too. But I'm really not so comfortable with people knowing that much about me. I feel too vulnerable. That's why I'm seriously contemplating re-locking this diary. Sign my gbook, email me, or leave me a note if you're going to want a password, because I think it's going to get locked tomorrow afternoon.
I've never been good at talking. I hate phone conversations. I write. It used to be hard for me to write emotions and it still is. But I can try. I just can't speak them. Show, don't tell.
Again, to the mystery guestbook signer: reveal yourself? All I know is that you're a guy. That only rules out about half the world's population. Doesn't do me very much good.
I am so depressed over this. I think I'm going to go upstairs and take a hot shower and cry. Fuck my physics homework. Fuck math, fuck Spanish, fuck SAT tutoring, fuck French, fuck psychology. Yes, I'm a busy persun, and look what this is doing to me.
I'm shaking really, really badly right now, and it's not just from the cold.
