6:21 p.m. - 2002-09-03
Random Rumblings
Another entry of randomness.
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Kelsey: "I know a thirteen-year-old guy who's bald."
Kelsey: "He's bald ON PURPOSE."
Kelsey: "Yeah, he shaved his head."
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Alexa, upon seeing two people French kissing when she was seven years old: "Ew, they're EATING each other!"
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Pet peeve of the moment: People who mix up "stationery" and "stationary." If you want to buy some pretty thank-you notes, go to a stationery store. Rest assured that the stationery store will be stationary, unless there is an earthquake.
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My little small world story of the moment: Kate was at CTY with me at Skidmore. Then, when I took the National French exam back in March, she and everyone else from Briarcliff walked into the same testing room, but they were late, so we didn't get to talk. Now, with the email chain I started between my hall from that year, I started talking to her online last night, and she went to chemistry camp this summer, a camp which was at high schools across Westchester, including mine, and she knows a girl who goes to my school, Samantha.
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I'm on act 4, scene 4 of "Tartuffe." I had another dream last night about not having read it. I got into French class and we had a new teacher, pretty, Asian, really tan. The classroom looked all different and there were more people there, different people. We were kind of sitting in a rectangle-thingie across from each other. I was across from Pablo, who looked really weird and had a big nose, and on my left side was Gary, who looked and acted more like Jason. And then Kate (from CTY, NOT from my school!) came and sat down on my other side and Maya came in and had nowhere to sit. And I just had the worst feeling in my stomach because I knew we were about to have a test and I hadn't read the play.
I DID read the play, by the way. I read it in English, which Lauren says is all she ever did for AP Spanish summer reading assignments, but it's a point of pride with me. I WANT to read the French, and I WANT to read all the extra material Mrs. H. gave us.
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My mother has bad skin. It's red and broken out constantly. She plasters her face with makeup like a mask. I wish I could have a mask. In "Keeping the Moon," Colie says that when she was overweight, she could use that to hide herself, but that after she lost a lot of weight, she didn't have anything with which she could hide. I want to hide. I don't want anyone to notice me, I want to sneak along the side of the wall for the rest of my life, my zippers making clacking noises against the lockers, and then at the same time that's the LAST thing I want. At the same time I want to be noticed, to be the one who stands out in the middle of a crowd, the unique one.
My mother gave up her Ph.D. and her career to have five kids. Would I have done the same thing?
I can't make decisions. ANY kind of decision. I agonize over every possible repercussion, every consequence. I can't stand the thought of accidentally making a stupid choice that will affect me for the course of my life. When you spend fifteen minutes deciding if you should buy a blue bear with a white Middlebury shirt or a white bear with a blue Middlebury shirt, you know that's bad.
Seriously, I think that's part of the reason why I don't want to have kids. People don't believe me when I say I don't want children; Taube thought I was absolutely nuts. I mean, I grew up as one of five (or six, counting Alexis), and I can't imagine growing up any other way, I love my siblings to death. But I definitely wouldn't be able to deal with the responsibility. What if I said something when they were little that traumatized them or shattered their self-esteem for life? What if I yelled at them and put them through therapy? What if they hated me? What if they committed suicide? I wouldn't be able to make a simple decision like public or private school. Granted, I'm fifteen years old and am not even considering having children right now, but even in ten years, I just... ugh. I don't know if I want that.
But then the question is, what do you do when I'm older? When I'm in my seventies, and retired from whatever it is I'm doing? (Let's say I'm teaching, that's a pretty safe bet, and drawing up curriculae and such. I'd love to be a homeschooling advisor/consultant. But anyway.) What will I DO all day? I doubt writing will hold as much attraction for me then, I'll probably want to avoid any sort of physical exercise whatsoever, and traveling isn't cheap. My nieces and nephews and their kids (I'm assuming ONE of the six of us will have kids, right?) can't occupy my entire day. Dena's now forty, single, divorced from Andrew, and really regrets that she doesn't have any children. She would make an amazing mother. She has a good career in real estate, but she's lonely. Yes, I did read that Time article on women who develop a career and then wait too long to have children. Not FAIR.
Gramie came over briefly last week to give Lauren a goodbye present (a mirror). She asked David what he wanted for his birthday, and he replied speakers. But as soon as she left, David pointed out that if he were in her place, he would be spending ALL of his money on his grandkids! Gramie and Grumps are very well-off, Grumps is still working in his seventies though he'll retire soon, they have a beautiful house, they travel a lot (they're going to Turkey for three weeks this fall). But Gramie's always been cheap, she's always bought us the least expensive printer or headphones or whatever it is we ask for. That's just the way she IS. But David's right: what ARE they going to spend all their money on? A while ago they redid their wills, and the money is being equally split between Jill/Doug, Dale/Jon/Allison/Scott, and Susan/Eric/David/Lauren/Jessica/Kelsey/Alexa. At least that's how it was explained. Doesn't that seem a bit weird to you?
Gramie and Grumps bought Lauren and David computers as high school graduation gifts. Before that sounds really nice and kind and thoughtful, realize that their graduation gift was supposed to be college tuition. None of us knew it, but when we were little, Gramie and Grumps promised to pay our tuitions, and they can certainly still afford it, but, hmm, they're not. They're paying Allison's tuition at Dartmouth, and they will pay Scott's tuition when he goes to college. That seems pretty shitty to me.
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I don't mind admitting that I have OCD. In fact, I could even use it as a shield, a mask, like I mentioned earlier: "Oh, you think what I'm doing is weird? It's just OCD!" I wouldn't really do that, but it would be nice to know I could use it as a defense.
I've stopped hiding my obsessions and my compulsions. Competely stopped whatsoever. I even bring them up in normal conversation. Last night at dinner, I was arranging the food on my plate more symmetrically, and Mom sneered, "Oh, please, OCD." She always says it like it's a BAD thing. It's not a bad thing, it's not a good thing, it just IS. It's part of me and I can't imagine myself without my little quirks and obsessions and compulsions, most of which I've had since I was little. (Picture a six-year-old waking up after a nightmare, and saying to herself over and over and over again, "It's just a dream. It could never ever happen. Mommy and Daddy are here." Over and over again, those three phrases in that exact order. Lying on her back, both hands on the mattress, fingers touching with even pressures...)
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We cleaned up the schoolroom this morning. We hadn't cleaned the closet for seven years, since we moved. Mom took us out for lunch as a reward, and we also stopped at Borders. I got a book of Real SAT II's (I need to do the practice math and writing this afternoon), the Princeton Review physics SAT II guide, a book about Tolkien's languages, and a Lord of the Rings day-to-day calendar for 2003. YAY! Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to have it until I clean up my desk.
Last night I started straightening my room and decorating my agenda book, but I was interrupted to go write checks for Dad. I made $12.
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Finally got an email back from Ben. Still not sure what I'll be doing tutorial-wise this year, but at least we got the problem fixed with Alexa, and she and Kelsey are both enrolled in the Level 3 tutorial this year.
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Time to get Tartuffified.
