10:01 a.m. - 2002-08-29
I'm so out of touch with everyone
Isn't it sad how easy it is to lose touch? And how easy it is, sometimes, to get back in touch. Only an email or phone call or letter away, but you never have the time to do it, and they don't either. It's so strange.
I decided that's going to be one of my goals for this year. Get back in touch. I miss seeing chatty emails in my inbox. I'm tired of running down to check the mail and being rewarded with no thick letter for me. I lost touch with way too many people last year, and I regret that.
Yes, it's important to have friends who live near you, who you can go eat lunch with or see a movie or call on the phone or have study sessions with. But most of my closest friends have been from summer programs, and they don't live anywhere near me. I'll probably never ever see any of them again. The question is, is it possible to stay in touch through emails and letters? I mean REALLY possible. Is it possible to remain close friends when you don't see each other in years? Can you still give them good advice? Can you still relate? What if you did decide to meet each other again miraculously, and you just didn't click anymore? Or what if you lose touch and you find out that he or she died in a freak gasoline accident? (Ok, that's a Zoolander reference, but try to be serious here.)
After sending out emails to my halls from CTY my first two years, and after yesterday's nonsensical ramblings about feeling too young, I've decided that more than feeling too young, I feel out of touch. Really out of touch. I didn't know about Miriam's eating disorder last fall or about Kathy's relationship and breakup with Drew or when Carly got into Yale. (Respectively: Pathways 1999, CTY 2000, writing tutorials.)
I guess this entry is prompted by an email I received from Kathy this morning, from Singapore, CTY 2000, and she gave me a link to her online diary. Then there were the three emails I got as responses from my hall at CTY 2001: Tracy, Marla, and Mo. It really made me think that I SHOULD have made more of an effort at camp that year. At the time I really quite simply stopped caring and became completely antisocial and didn't bother to open up to these people, and I regret that now. This year I opened up and I know I'll stay in touch with some of my hallmates online through the year. Dakota, Taube, Hannah, Pippa... and when I have problems, I can ask them for advice. But they're not here. They can't come give me a hug or the 5AP French award. Dakota, who was a nevermore and can't go back to CTY, lives in Alaska. What are the odds of my ever seeing her again? When she writes to me about how things are going with Tim, this guy at home who kinda liked her and who she thought kinda liked her, how can I possibly give advice if I've never met her and have no idea what he's like?
I'm sad to say that the only reason I know what's happening with CTYers from 2001 is because of their livejournals. And yes, I know that's sad. Mer, Kim, Dot, Amanda, Tracy, and Eva all had journals at some point. Tracy doesn't write in hers anymore and Amanda locked hers. Kate had a diary but she locked it eventually too. The only reason I tried to get back in touch with Carly, who I met online through the writing tutorials four years ago, is because her buddy profile linked her livejournal and she mentioned going to Yale.
Things WILL change this year. I got back in touch with Zach from CTY 2000, who's now at Swarthmore. I got back in touch with Sophie, a family friend who lives in Arkansas (her aunt is Joanne, my Hebrew teacher, but I haven't seen her in a few years). I'm getting back in touch with Kathy and my CTY hallmates from both years. I need to know that there are people out there who care about me and think about me when I'm having a shitty day at school. Because I care about them TOO. I DO care what's going on in their lives. I care about Miriam's love-hate relationship with Erik and I care about the workload at Melodie's new school and I care about Eva's fencing and I care about Tara's guy problems. I feel terrible when I don't know what's happening. I have friends in Pakistan, Sweden, England, France, China, Germany, and Singapore who I will almost undoubtedly never see again for the rest of my life. At some point, we will probably lose touch because the gap between when we last saw each other and between what's going on in our lives now is too great. I don't know if Alex from Germany (Pathways, 1999) liked her boarding school in England or who she's going out with now. I don't know anything.
I like reading online diaries. It reminds me that there are so many other people out there with real lives and real problems. I don't need to focus on myself quite as much. I like keeping an online diary because I like writing, and it is so nice to know that there are people out there who I have never even met who care about whatever stupid things I write. That means something to me. Don't ask me why, but it does. And the LOTR sisters make me feel part of a community.
So my goals for this year... get back in touch. get the French award. get in shape. get ready for college applications. There's a lot of "getting" in there, but hopefully there'll be a lot of "giving" too. I want to give, I want to make someone happy. I never realized before that it truly is greater to give than to receive. Here's an example that ties in with the rest of this entry: I was thrilled yesterday when I got a letter from Katie, but I was even more thrilled when I got IMs from Pippa, Hannah, Taube, and Rosie saying their days were made when they got MY letters.
I don't know where I'm going with this, and David wants the computer to show Gramie a picture of his house at Bates, so... hmmm. I wonder when I'll get out of this strange-rambling-writing phase...
