4:40 p.m. - 2002-04-21
why can't I get away from CTY?
Fuck it all. I had this conclave at my temple this weekend, which was basically GO-TO-THIS-OR-DIE, so I went. I'll have to actually describe it another time. For now, it will suffice to say that it was a waste of $95, four hours of sleep, and a whole day.
I acted the exact same way that I did at CTY last year. Felt the same way. Miserable, out of place, terrified, about to cry. I tried to make my mind leave my body, so I could pretend that I wasn't there, but it wouldn't.
I need to talk to Marsha. Next Friday, 3:00. :)
If CTY is that bad this year, I am going to be even more fucked up than I already am. I don't think I really realized how mentally scarred I am from those three weeks. And Eva just IMed me, "Are you going back to Saratoga?"
Fuck no. I wouldn't go back to Saratoga for my life. It might be easier if I could start out knowing some people, but how would that help if they all knew each other?
Three weeks. I'm going to France from July 1-11 (did I mention that? Paris and Normandy with Emma's family), and then CTY from July 14-August 4 or somewhere around there. Siena College, Ethics. Then Nantucket. Last year I spent the whole time in Nantucket trying to heal from CTY and preparing myself for the school year. I thought I was better. I knew I would never forget, but I had tried to estrange myself from the whole experience. Now I know nothing ever really changed, and over three weeks, I completely changed, and completely for the worse. My mental issues are so much worse, and now I even have social issues, which I never had before.
If I act the same way at CTY this year that I did last summer and the same way that I did yesterday -- if I hide myself inside my mind, live inside my mind, try to make my mind leave so that I myself will leave -- I will never get over it.
